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The "good" divorce

Divorce is often viewed as one of society's ills. The high divorce rate is pointed to as a negative. Pejoratives are employed, a marriage "failed" and we speak of how divorce "damages" children. It is often decried with moralizing overtones that people lack commitment and seriousness, and walk away from a marriage in a fit of pique.

But we should not confuse the treatment with the disease. Divorce does not cause the failure of a relationship. It is the result of that failure, not the cause. 

On the other hand, divorce may be a good thing for the children where there is a toxic relationship between the parents. Some people simply should not live with each other, and a divorce that takes away some of that toxicity, will help the children.

Maybe it is not as optimal as the idealized marriage some may imagine prior to saying, "I do," but it is possible for parents to work in a manner after their divorce that protects their children from much of the negative impact of a bad relationship.

Divorce should not be the first choice for a couple having problems, but at the same time, staying married for the sake of the children is a poor choice. Children are remarkably observant, even when they appear distracted, and much of their development is modeled on their parent's behavior.

If you believe that you can "fool" your children that your marriage is "fine" when you are on the verge of divorce, think again. You need to reinforce with them your love and that they are not responsible for the divorce, nor can they "save" it.

A divorce may allow a couple to distance themselves from their relationships unsalvageable elements and focus on building and maintaining a good relationship with their children. 

Source: The Huffington Post, "Is Demonizing Divorce Justifiable?" Rosalind Sedacca, December 9, 2013

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